


Nobody’s Darling

by angrybaby



Series: I Loved You First [2]
Category: Captain America (Comics), Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Context for first story, Historical Background, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, Love, M/M, Repressed Emotions, Unrequited Love, Violence? A lil., blast from the past, winter soldier - Freeform, you know me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-21
Updated: 2017-03-21
Packaged: 2018-10-09 04:18:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10403763
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angrybaby/pseuds/angrybaby
Summary: It's an epiphany. It turns Bucky’s brains inside out.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Alternatively: “Dulce et Decorum est (it is sweet and honorable)”
> 
> thanks to everybody who sent sweet comments in response to The Art of Losing! it means a lot to me!

 

 

Winifred Barnes prepares her son and 5 month old daughter for Sunday mass. The son, James “Bucky” Barnes, is a feisty young boy; 10 years old and complete with unruly brown hair, electric blue eyes, and an inherited stubborn attitude. As far as he knows, the most important things in the world consists of his mother, God, and baseball. 

 

Winifred scolds her son for his scuffed shoes as they enter the church. Bucky hangs his head, mumbles an apology, and slides into the pew next to his mother. 

 

They exit the church and one of the parishioners hands them a pamphlet. It reads:

 

FIGHT AGAINST THE BLASPHEMY!

PROSECUTE THE GAYS! PRESERVE THE VIRTUOSITY OF GOD!

 

The pamphlet offers new information, new vocabulary, new opinions to Bucky’s expanding mind. His mother thanks the parishioner and gently guides Bucky as they walk. 

 

“Ma?”

 

“Yes, James?”

 

“What does gay mean?”

 

She wrinkles her nose as if a putrid smell had dared grace her presence. Bucky smells nothing. 

 

“It means sin,” she scowls. Her voice is strained and her eyes narrow. Bucky looks at her curiously. He considers her answer. He is still confused. 

 

Winifred props up baby Rebecca in her high chair while Bucky sets the table for lunch. As Winifred stirs the pot of boiling soup, she calls him over. “James, will you do as I say?”

 

“Yes, Ma.”

 

“Then promise me this.” She stops stirring, taps the spoon on the edge of the pot and lays it down on the counter. Wiping her hands on her apron, she turns to look at Bucky. “For the name of God and the father almighty, promise me you will never talk nor acquaint yourself with any gays.” She doesn't say but rather spits the last word. 

 

This further confuses Bucky. How is he to know the difference between a gay and a non gay? What is a gay? His mother said it was a sin, but if that’s so, then does he not associate with any sin? But that's impossible. Sin is everywhere. But. Bucky nods and promises his mother as told. She kisses him on both cheeks and returns to stirring. 

 

… 

 

No matter how many times Bucky has to explain that Steve is just a late bloomer, Mrs Winifred Barnes purses her lips every time he is in the house. Steve, a small boy with a delicate frame, shrinks under the icy glare of Winifred. Bucky hurriedly pushes Steve out of the house. 

 

After that, Bucky is forbidden to bring Steve into the house. His father makes sure that Bucky remembers it.  

 

… 

 

“Bucky?”

 

“Yeah, Steve?”

 

“Why is Mr Wilson leaving our school?”

 

“The other teachers said it was ‘cos he was a gay and the parents didn't want him around the children.”

 

Steve gets that look on his face that usually means he’s thinking too hard. 

 

“What does that mean?”

 

“What? Gay?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“My ma told me it meant sin. Or, I think maybe she meant a person who committed sins. But I'm not so sure.”

 

“Oh. Wanna ask my ma?”

 

“Sure.”

 

They scramble to the kitchen. Steve's mother is sitting at the kitchen table, knitting needles flying as she works on a sweater. 

 

“Hi, Mizzus Rogers. Steve and I have a question.”

 

Steve nods, head bobbing up and down furiously. She sets down her work and smiles at them. 

 

“I'm all ears, boys.”

 

“We wanna know what gay means!” Steve yells. 

 

She looks at him oddly for a second and then shakes herself. With a new smile, she begins to speak. 

 

“Well, baby, it’s a man who loves another man. Or a woman who loves another woman. And there ain't nothin’ wrong with that, sweetie.”

 

Bucky is confused. “But my ma said it was sin!”

 

Mrs Rogers’ expression changes slightly. She still smiles but it's tainted with sadness. 

 

“Well, your ma has every reason to believe it so. But let me tell you, children. Love is love, you hear me? And don't you have no right to mess with that.”

 

Bucky’s mind is working in overdrive. His brain is a dizzying mess of what's right and what's wrong. 

 

Even after Bucky leaves the Rogers’ household, Mrs Rogers’ words echo in his head. 

 

But what about what ma said? It's bad, isn't it? It's Bucky’s duty to stay away and shame those who are gay. His ma told him so. But. But. But. 

 

…

 

He thinks about it for a week. A month. A year. 

 

Bucky turns twelve, and he wishes with all his might that he’ll forget those words. He wishes he believed what Mrs. Rogers had said was wrong. 

 

… 

 

Bucky knows this:

 

  1. He's a boy
  2. Boys are only allowed to love girls ( says ma)



 

But. But. But. 

 

… 

 

There's a new boy in his class. His name is Edmund. He moved over from England. Bucky’s heart does a new thing he never thought it could. 

 

Edmund has brown eyes. He has freckles and dark brown hair. He has long eyelashes that flutter as he blinks. He blushes a deep Crimson whenever he gets embarrassed. 

 

Bucky wants to give him mountains. He wants to give him all of the books he owns. He wants to kiss him on his thin lips. He wants to hold his hand and tell him about his favorite things and listen to his own. Bucky’s heart cannot handle this. 

 

Bucky hates him. 

 

…  

 

“Bucky! Stop!”

 

Bucky can't stop hitting him. He can't stop. Steve is desperately trying to pull him away from Edmund who is huddled on the floor in fetal position. Blood marks Bucky’s knuckles and clothes. 

 

When Steve asks why, Bucky tells him it’s because he stole something from him. 

 

When his mother asks, he tells her it was because the boy was gay. He receives a large piece of chocolate cake. Bucky doesn't sleep that night. He can't get the sound of Edmund screaming out of his ears. 

 

He shoves whatever love he had in his heart far, far back. There's a place in hell for him now. He knows it. 

 

… 

 

Edmund and his family move the next summer. Bucky feels like he's drowning. 

 

…

 

“What's wrong, Buck?” Steve enters the room where Bucky is laying face down. Steve prods at Bucky with his shoe. 

 

“Who was it this time? Elizabeth? Margaret?”

 

“Shut up, Steve.”

 

“Oh, c’mon Buck. They love you. They just want you to notice them.”

 

“Don't mean they hafta follow me everywhere. ‘S annoying.”

 

Steve rolls his eyes. Bucky tries to disappear into the floor. 

 

… 

 

Bucky likes to think he knows what life is all about. He likes to entertain himself with what a perfect might look like. His mother’s vision for him is such: Finish school, get a job, settle down with a girl, and have beautiful little babies that she can spoil.

 

Bucky retches at the thought.

 

…

 

Bucky likes girls. He thinks. He’s sixteen and intrigued by the smooth curves of a girl. Their soft chests are pliant under Bucky’s palms. Bucky appreciates the gentle swell of their hips. He likes their pointed chins, tiny noses, and high-arched brows. Yes, it’s all very fascinating to Bucky. But. There’s something deep inside of him,  he doesn’t know what or who it is, but it screams at him whenever he thinks such thoughts. He silences that voice. He loves girls. He is supposed to. 

 

… 

 

“Gonna go out for a little while, taking Ruthie dancing tonight. Wanna come?”

 

“You know my answer to that, Buck,” Steve says. He doesn't even raise his eyes from his sketchbook, proceeding to scratch his pencil across the paper loudly. Bucky hangs his head. 

 

“That's a no, then.”

 

“Never any different.”

 

“Okay, well. Won't be long.”

 

“Bye, Buck. Say hello to Ruth for me.”

 

The door closes with a metallic click. Bucky heads down the rickety fire escape. He can see where Ruthie is waiting on the corner, her hair is curled and she wears a pretty pink dress. Bucky walks away from her. 

 

He approaches the old brick house with the white door. He knocks. Winifred Barnes answers the door, a stern look on her face. Bucky pleads to be let in. 

 

Inside, Becca is helping her mother cook. His father isn’t home from work yet, but he will be soon. Mrs Barnes makes him sit on the stiff chair at the table as she shoos Becca into her room. Bucky watches her go. It’s been awhile since he’s last seen her and she has gotten taller and her features more pronounced. Bucky feels small in his old home.

 

Winifred Barnes sets a glass of water and a slice of bread on the table in front of him. She grabs her cross stitching and proceeds to stab the cloth multiple times to create a pattern. 

 

“Hi, ma. I've missed you.”

 

She sneers at him and Bucky retracts. He is desperately trying to stay calm. 

 

“How have you been?” he tries again. 

 

“I've been better,” she answers sharply. She doesn't look up from her sewing. Bucky takes deep breaths. 

 

“How has Becca been?”

 

“She's been well.”

 

Bucky can't take this anymore. 

 

“I miss you and I miss living with you. I want to come back home. Please. I'll fix everything. I'll work harder. I'll pay for your things. I'll do anything. Please.”

 

His mother finally raises her eyes to meet Bucky’s. She looks unfazed. 

 

“You know very well where I stand in this matter. Simply put, James, you have committed a sin I cannot pardon. I know I've made it very clear that I never wanted you doing anything of the sort and yet you ignored my wishes. You have disrespected me, you have disrespected your father, you have brought shame to our family, and you have earned your severance from our home.”

 

“But I was foolish. I wasn't —”

 

“That does not matter.” She sets her sewing down. Her hands tremble with anger. “You have no idea how much strife you have put me and your father through, James Buchanan. Do you understand how hard it was to return to church knowing our son is a  _ faggot _ and a  _ queer? _ We couldn't meet the eyes of any of our old friends. We had to change parishes. You have created needless drama and you do not deserve any of our love.”

 

Bucky tries to regulate his breathing but is failing. 

 

“You should leave, James. If your Father gets home before—”

 

The lock on the door clicks and Bucky stiffens further in his seat. He stops breathing altogether. 

 

“Winifred? Rebecca?” A deep voice says cheerily as a shadowed figure steps through the door. It’s his father, smudged in dirt and covered in sweat. The wide smile drops off his face as he sees Bucky sitting at the table. 

 

“I thought I told you I don’t ever want to see you here again.”

 

“Pa…”

 

“Get out of this house.”

 

“I just wanna see Becca first.”

 

“You already saw her, James,” his mother says, her tone is urgent.

 

“What your ma said. Get out now,” his father spits. 

 

“Can I at least try to make things right? I promise I'll do better, I promise—”

 

His father goes into a blind rage. Bucky is tackled onto the floor. His father takes his belt and starts to lash out wildly at him. Bucky allows him. He deserves this punishment. He can never forgive himself either.

 

… 

 

This isn’t the first time he’s come home with a ripped jacket and shirt. There's a new bruise forming on the upper part of his left cheek. Steve almost has a heart attack when he sees him. 

 

“What happened this time?” 

 

Bucky falters. He thinks about how to phrase his father’s anger, his mother’s hatred, and the shame he sees in their eyes. He tries to mutter a sentence about his own self-hatred. He wants to tell Steve, but at the same time, he needs to protect. He can’t hurt Steve. He doesn’t want to force his issues onto him. He sighs, defeated. “Just some punk trying to see up the skirts of some dames. Had to set him right.”

 

Steve’s shoulders drop and he smiles slightly, shaking his head. “Always for the girls, Buck.”

 

Bucky makes his way to the bathroom to wash off. 

 

… 

 

Bucky never asked to be like this. 

 

Bucky never wanted any of this. 

 

Bucky loved his parents and he loved living with them. He should have been more careful. 

 

… 

  
  


Bucky was just experimenting. He was curious. He knew it was wrong. He was just. Checking. 

 

One night, when he was 18, he'd managed to get Steve out and go dancing with him. Of course, Bucky loses Steve in the midst of all the dancing and alcohol and excitement. He was having a good time with MaryAnn, really. But as they were swinging, he accidentally stumbled into a group of people within the dance hall and turned around to say sorry but. Oh. 

 

A boy. A very pretty boy. The boy looks at him with hooded eyes and a delicious smirk. Bucky forgets where he is. 

 

Bucky’s hazy mind screams “TOUCH”. Date forgotten, he approaches the boy. He reaches out to trace his jacket lapel. His date storms off, bored and offended. 

 

“Hi. I'm Bucky.”

 

“Hi, Leo.”

 

Bucky pushes him away from the crowd, hands flush against Leo’s chest. He looks surprised and intrigued. 

 

“You're a beauty. Wanna get out of here?” Bucky whispers into his ear. No one is watching them. Leo grabs him by the hand. 

 

They wander off down an alleyway, safe from the noise. Bucky looks at the boy. His eyes are green. He has brown hair soaked from rain. He looks like heaven. 

 

And his lips are on Bucky's. And Bucky’s mind is imploding as he grasps Leo’s shirt, hard. Pulls him closer. Feels the sharp angle of his jaw as his fingers hold his neck tightly. Shivers at the feeling of stubble as he kisses. This is something new. This is something wonderful. This is something beautiful until. A very familiar, angry voice shouts from the end of the alley. He breaks the kiss and pushes Leo away hard. 

 

“Faggots! I'll kill you!” His father is barreling down the dark alley. 

 

“No, pa! Stop!” Bucky yells, holding his hands out to block his father. His father stops, confused. 

 

“Bucky?”

 

“Yes?”

 

“Well, I’ll be-”

 

Leo is left behind as his father grabs Bucky by the hair and drags him back to the house. Bucky sobers up real quick. 

 

“Now. It's one thing to have two men kissing. But if my son is one of em? I'll be damned to hell.”

 

His father whips him. Bucky sees red. And that isn't the end of it.

 

“You aren't part of this family anymore. Do you understand me, boy?”

 

“But—”

 

“I don't ever wanna see you again. You. Out. Now.”

 

“But Pa—”

 

“I said GET OUT!”

 

His father lunges at him, pushes him out the door, and slams the door close before Bucky can protest any further. 

 

...

 

“Hey.”

 

“Buck? I thought you were still dancing. And what happened to your eye?”

 

“Nothin, Stevie. Listen, can I ask you a favor?”

 

“Sure.”

 

“Could I maybe stay at your place for a while. My parents been real mad at me for the last couple of weeks. And. Uh. Stumbling in drunk was the last of it for them.”

 

Steve pulls him in without hesitation. 

 

… 

 

Through all these years, Bucky cannot rid himself of one fateful fact. He decides to finally come to terms with it. Bucky reevaluates. He's scared of himself and he's scared of what he’ll do. But he knows this:

 

He loves boys. Yes, he liked girls but that was it. He loves the flat chests of boys. Enjoys their narrow hips and pointed jaws. Loves the way he has to stand tall in order to kiss them instead of bending down. He loves the way they are rough and treat him daintily. He loves their firm muscles and their big, roaming hands. Square fingers. He loves boy. He loves them and he hates them. 

 

Bucky spends the night wide awake. 

 

…

 

“So, I never asked you, but… what happened to your face?”

 

Steve reaches out to touch the bruise on Bucky’s chin but Bucky jerks away. 

 

“S’nothin, Stevie. Just got into a little fight. That's all.”

 

“Again? For which girl this time?”

 

Bucky shoves him and laughs it off. 

 

… 

 

Bucky kisses many more boys behind closed doors as time passes. Steve stays at home, drawing happily. Bucky always stores away a small amount of money to surprise Steve with art supplies and food to keep him at a healthier weight. 

 

… 

 

When his letter comes in the mail, Bucky's heart drops. He wants to throw away the letter. He can only think of one thing: Steve. 

 

Bucky tells Steve over their shared dinner a week later. Steve asks him how long he's known. Bucky tells him and Steve doesn't talk to him for a solid week. 

 

Bucky wants to disappear. 

 

… 

 

Being in the army ain't so bad. There's plenty of work to do. Besides the feeling of imminent death, Bucky can take his mind off things when he's behind his gun. 

 

Things go horribly wrong. Bucky is recruited to a special unit. Which means more time away from home. His letters to Steve are becoming more and more desperate. 

 

…

 

Bucky starts a letter:

 

\-- your skin, pale as the moonlight. The crimson blush that would paint your face each time I’d ever say anything witty to you. You  were are, my sunshine. I hope you know that. In this cold, desolate place in which we call home, you are the only thing keeping me  alive and not wishing for sane. Though you are miles away,  you should know I keep you here in my dreams. I miss you more than anything. I want --

 

He burns it in the fire. He must not hurt Steve. 

 

…

 

Bucky has never hated life as much as he does now. When Bucky wakes up from a sleep he never remembers falling into, Steve is there. But, is that Steve? It's the same face. It's the same voice. But Steve was never tall. Steve was never strong. Bucky is confused about the entire ordeal until he realizes. Steve is here. He's about to punch him in the mouth but Bucky can't even stay upright without help. 

 

He does eventually punch Steve. It's two days after Azzano and they're back at camp. He breaks Steve’s nose and 20 minutes later, his nose is back to normal. 

 

…

 

Bucky has never hated a person as much as he hates Peggy Carter. Don't get him wrong, Peggy is wonderful gal with a killer smile and sharp senses. No wonder Steve likes her as much. But that's it. Where Steve's eyes used to only follow Bucky, they now linger over Peggy. Where Steve would spend all free hours with Bucky, Bucky finds himself alone while Steve is off doing whatever the hell he’s doing with Peggy. Really, Bucky should be happy for Steve. He's always tried to get him out before. Why is it now that when Steve is finally happy that Bucky finds himself regretting everything he's ever done. The bottom of a whisky bottle renders him lonely still. 

 

…

 

Bucky has failed the only mission he's ever set for himself: protect Steve. Now, Steve is with him overseas where he should be at home. Steve is now the symbol of America and even more valuable to enemy troops. Steve is dancing with death and Bucky can't pull him off the dance floor. And. Peggy. 

 

Bucky doesn't speak to Steve for a week, only mumbling short responses during missions. He knows Steve is angry, confused, hurt. But Bucky can't tell him why he's angry at Steve. He can't tell him why he needs space. He just. Something is changing and it started with Azzano. Part of Bucky wishes he could've died on that gurney. 

 

… 

 

There are things Bucky wished he would have done. There are words Bucky wanted to say. There are paragraphs and sonnets and symphonies that unwrite themselves as Bucky falls. He thinks of his family. He thinks of Steve. He thinks —

 

…

 

Everything is white. His ears are ringing. There's pain but it's numbed by the overwhelming sensation of cold. He hears Steve's voice. He can see the blues of his eyes. He can see his nose and mouth, pink from where the cold has caught it just so. Bucky wants to reach out but he is so tired. If only he could rest his eyes for a bit. If only he could just. 

 

There’s the crunch of the snow. Footsteps. There's someone coming for him. 

 

… 

 

Karachi. 

 

Beijing. 

 

Delhi. 

 

Lagos. 

 

Istanbul. 

 

Tianjin. 

 

Moscow. 

 

Baghdad. 

 

The Soldier wakes. Each time he sleeps, a new layer of ice smothers him. 

 

…

 

Washington DC is different. The man in the black coat is easy to kill, which completed the mission. But the one who chases after him is a ghost. His presence scratches at a part of the brain that has long gone untouched. 

 

He gets close. Too close. The asset’s mask is off and confidentiality is at a 100.0% risk. The target recognizes him. The Soldier is punished for remembering. 

 

… 

 

“This is his last mission.”

 

Pierce is whispering in the far corner in a tone he falsely believes is too quiet for the asset’s ears. 

 

“If Project Insight follows through, there'll be no use for him. If it doesn't, there's a zero chance of surviving combat against Rogers, Romanoff, or even Hill.”

 

“But, sir. If he were to survive—”

 

“IF he were to survive, we have enough factions to recover him and reprogram him. Either that or he’ll suffer a complete internal breakdown from lack of instruction.”

 

“But, sir—”

 

“We've fried his brains through and through. I've made sure of that. There's no outcome where he will survive successfully.”

 

Pierce exits while the doctor follows his, trying to interject. The STRIKE team follows pursuit. The asset knows his mission but Pierce’s words tangle his brain. 

 

… 

 

“Come home, Bucky.”

 

“I can't.”

 

“Yes, you can.”

 

“I can't hurt you.”

 

“You can’t hurt me that —”

 

“Don’t. Last time I beat your face to a pulp.”

 

“I was fine after a week.”

 

“I'm not ready.”

 

A sigh. A sound of frustration. A forced voice with fake happiness. 

 

“Well, whenever you're ready, I'm here.”

 

…

 

A balance between the Asset and former Bucky Barnes appears on Steve Roger’s Brooklyn apartment doorstep one cold afternoon in October. It's been two years since DC and countless phone calls, traced numbers, and secret surveillance have been enacted on Asset/Barnes’s part. Steve almost collapses when he opens the door. Asset/Bucky holds a hand out to stop Steve from hugging him and while his face is adorable, Asset/Bucky isn't ready for that much contact. 

 

…

 

Through the help of Steve, Bucky integrates himself into society. He relearns all the social queues and more through the help of Sam, Steve’s flying friend. He's on his way back from the ice and he's proud of himself. 

 

That's not to say that life has been easy. There's two knives in the wall to prove it. Steve never touches Bucky’s hair again after that. 

 

He meets Natasha for the first time. Well, technically, the second time. But luckily, no one mentions their first encounter. She's nice and gentle with him. She gossips about Steve in Russian. Bucky is glad someone can finally understand him. 

 

Steve introduces Bucky to a lot of new things and even more people. Steve gets excited when showing him new music. 

 

“It's called Bohemian Rhapsody, Buck,” he says while dancing idiotically. The tune is catchy enough to stick in Bucky’s head for the next two weeks. They dance together in their shared living room, equally idiotic. 

 

Bucky meets Dr Banner for the first time. He's a quiet man who looks like he couldn't harm a butterfly but Steve warns him about Banner’s rocky temper. They talk for a while as Steve disappears with Tony to talk about new technical suits. It's calming and they exchange emails, promising to talk in the future. It's a big step for Bucky, handing out private information. Steve smiles real wide when Bucky tells him about it. 

 

Bucky meets all of Steve’s work friends. Some are scared of him, some are threatened by his presence, and some (Thor) greet him with a rib crushing hug. Bucky reluctantly agrees with Steve that his friends are “not so bad”.

 

…

 

It's interesting how much time he has missed. He wonders if Steve thinks about his past life as well. How weird is it that their life connect again. How spectacular, in a sense. 

 

Bucky makes progress, but with the addition of newly discovered emotions and re-engaged sections of his brain comes the influx of old memories. Queue the mental breakdowns. Queue the pitiful looks and hazardous outlets to cope with said breakdowns. The crease between Steve’s eyebrows becomes more severe. 

 

It's a process and Bucky’s not sure when it's going to end. He's just glad Steve stays with him through it all.


End file.
